Rate my story for English =P. I know the sentence strucure might be bad, but i want some opinions before i hand it in.

Jonathan *** Eng 10-1 (Period 2)
September 28th, 2006

The Diamonds Four

It was a dark and stormy night. The rain was falling like specks of silver, the waves were crashing on the shore like a lions roar. One city of great importance…The City of Yanille, home to the wielders of magic’s might. Usually Yanille is a beautiful city, but today the city is being destroyed by a storm created by magic. The person who created this magic is the god Azzanadra. But before we continue this part, you would do well to know what happened before this.

We begin the story with the introduction of a young boy, which likes ancient history, his name is Tamaki. Tamaki is person who likes to find and or discover things, then align it with his many books of history. His favorite historical article is the story of Azzanadra. “Tamaki!” his mom shouted.
“Coming mom” Tamaki replied. Today he was out looking for runes that he could practice magic with. “Hi Mummy, guess what I found today!”
“And what did you find today?”
“I found a box of chaos runes, death runes, air runes, fire runes, water runes, blood runes, and soul runes!” The mom was speechless after he said that.
“Do you know how much we could sell that for?”
“Yes, a lot of cash”
“Sell it then!”
“No, I’m keeping these for my own uses” She reached over and tried 2 grab them, but he shoved them out of her reach.
“Fine, be that way!” and she strode off mumbling things to herself. Then Tamaki broke into tears.
“What have I done?” he asked himself.

That night at dinner neither Tamaki nor his mom spoke to each other as they ate in silence, until the TV broke the silence. “We interrupt your time for we have breaking news!” the TV bellowed, “In the city of Yanille, strange weather occurrences have occurred all over town. Currently our water is turning into blood, at night shadows lurk everywhere and everything becomes frozen, and during the day smoke clouds the city. Due to the smoke advisory, it is highly recommended that you use facemasks when going around the city during the day, and you do not leave the house at all during the night, because of the strange weather occurrence city council has set up a curfew at 9:00pm for all citizens residing in Yanille! Thank for your time.” After the TV announcement they just stared at the TV in shock. Yes, maybe the nights have been getting colder and spookier than usual. Yes, maybe the water has a reddish tint to it and the air coming into the house has been very smoggy. But they never expected that it was weird weather occurrences, just then Tamari pointed at the TV.
“I don’t think that’s weird weather” Tamari spoke
“Well?” Mom replied, “What do you think it is then?”
“Magic” he said firmly
“Maybe it’s because of those runes you dug up today”
“Just digging up runes doesn’t begin things like this!” Mom pointed a finger at him
“Bring them here then! Only then shall we see if you caused all of this or not” Tamari ran up to his bedroom and plucked the box of runes then waddled downstairs. He set it on the floor then started to help mom clean the dishes after they were done he set the box up onto the table and opened it. He took a fire rune out and they were smooth as they always were but on the back there was a bump, like the letter A and underneath that there was the letter Sm. “What do you think the letter A and S stands for?” Mom asked “I thought the back of runes were perfectly smooth?”
“They always are smooth! I don’t even know what this A or Sm stands for!”
“I thought you loved Ancient History!” Then it was just at that moment he realized what those letters stood for.
“Azzanadra” Tamari whispered
“What?” Mom replied
“Azzanadra” he said more firmly now “The A stands for Azzanadra, the god of the Ancient Magiks and the Sm means Smoke” Mom was opened eyed now, but the eyelids receded when she asked
“Then what does the letter I mean on the water rune?”
“The I stands for Ice, another element of the Ancients. The Soul Rune has Sh which stands for Shadow, and the Blood rune has B for Blood”
“Then what about the Chaos, and Death runes? Why do they have SmShBI below the A?”
“SmShBI is the order of spells is the order of the Ancient Magiks Sm for Smoke, Sh for Shadow, B for Blood, and I for Ice” It then took a while for mom to regain her balance, seeing as she just swayed from side to side.
“Up to your room now!” she said sternly. Tamari reluctantly packed his box up, and trudged up the stairs. Up in his room he hopped onto his bed and took out a water rune and studied it carefully.
“Could I really have released this disaster upon the world?” he thought to himself. Getting off his bed he wandered over to his bookcase where his ancient history books were. He scanned the bookshelf until he found what he was looking for “Dominance of Fate”. He plopped onto the bed again, and flipped open to the table of contents until he found what he was looking for “Chapter 5: The Diamonds Four”. He sat on the bed the whole night flipping through the pages. He finally came to a decision, he will fix the mistake he has done, but not without friends. In the wee hours of the morning he packed some food, his box of “special” runes, the book Dominance of Fate”, his mud staff, air staff, and some robes. He grabbed his beloved lava staff from his closet, and garbed into his finest mystic robes and put on a facemask. As he snuck quietly out of the house, the sun was just about to break the night up, and he trotted over to Anami’s house.
As he reached Anami’s house he found her getting ready for her morning jog. “Hi Tamari!” she waved at him with a thick facemask on her face.
“Hi Anami, listen will you come with me on an adventure?”
“No!” she screeched, “Not after your little quest for you dear little mud staff got us nearly killed last time!”
“This is for a good cause this time!” She eyed him suspiciously
“What good cause?”
“Getting rid of this so called suspicious weather”
“Fine, I’ll come!” she said reluctantly
“Grab your best mage equipment”
“Meet me at the north gate in 10 minutes” So Tamaki walked over to the north game and waited there for 14 minutes until Anami finally came with a big backpack.
“What took you so long?” he asked
“I had to get things ready” she huffed, and they set out on the train together. Soon after trudging leagues after leagues, they came upon an old house. We should talk with him; he should know what’s going on. They arrived at the house and knocked on the old rickety door, and an old man with thick big glasses and with old worn robes, with a blue hat opened up the door.
“Well if it isn’t Tamaki! So good to see you again” The wise old man exclaimed! “Who is this young lady here with you today?”
“Hello sir, she a good friend from the city” he replied then he said reluctantly “Her name is Anami”
“Well hello Anami! So what can I do for you kids today?”
“Well, we want to find out what is causing the “disturbances” in the city do you think you can tell us?” He looked at them sternly, you better come inside then it’s a very long story. So they went inside and he told them about the beginning of Azzanadra, how get got banished because of his evil deed.
“Wait!” Anami said abruptly
“Yes?” the wise old man asked
“You’re saying he was banished because he discovered new spells?”
“Yes, those spells were too powerful and too dangerous to let a mage like Azzanadra get hold of them. There was 4 diamonds, one for smoke, one for shadow, one for blood, and one for ice. Once an elder found out that he possessed them, and therefore was brought forth before the council of magic. There 4 elders who were very experienced, attempted to cast them on a dummy. The result left them speechless, the elder that casted a smoke spell poisoned them while doing damage, the shadow caused the dummy to weaken and therefore a baby could have blown on it and it will crumble, the elder that casted the blood spell healed himself so he was 10 years younger on the inside while 10 years older on the outside, meanwhile the elder casted the ice spell froze and turned the surrounding area into ice.”
“Are the spells really that powerful?” Anami asked
“Yes, after the council meeting, the diamonds of the Smoke, Shadow, and blood type were taken from him but they never found the ice type. After that his whole house was searched. Before long a secret room was found and on it plans for world anarchy was outlined. Azzanadra pleaded that he has never even seen that room, after his plead, he was found guilty, exiled to Kharizi Island, and mind-wiped of the city’s location. But before he left, he asked his best friend to bury a box full of tracker runes near the city so he could come back and destroy the city that once betrayed him.”
“And he’s back now?” Anami asked again
“Maybe, but if the box was uncovered it’s very likely that Azzanadra is back. Tamari? You haven’t said a thing, it’s not like you” by now Tamari’s hands were shaking very badly. “Are you ok, why are you shaking so badly?” Slowly Tamari reached behind his back and pulled out the box holding the runes. Now the old man’s eyes were open wide and even Anami was stunned. “May I see that?” Tamari reluctantly handed the box over to the wise old man, and he opened it. “Where did you find this!” he spluttered.
“I was digging for some leftover runes, and I found this box” Now the wise old wan was dumbstruck. Finally relaxing and taking deep breaths, he finally spoke in a very rough voice,
“Well there’s no use burying it now, he knows the locations of the city unless you can mind wipe from his mind again, but that would be very foolish to do”
“Then what should we do sir?” Tamari asked, “Do we need to defeat him?”
“Defeat, yes but he is immortal unless he is damaged by the ancient magiks, nothing else will work on him”
“Well we can’t use the ancient magiks, so what should we do?”
“One thing you can do is go to each of the four altars of the ancients, and take the diamonds. As long as you have the diamonds with you, you can cast the type and class of spell with you but all four diamonds types are guarded by 4 the members of the council of magic, the ones that cast the spell at Azzanadra’s trial.”
“So we should go and defeat the four council members take all 4 diamonds and come back here and make an attempt to defeat Azzanadra?”
“Yes” Tamari sighed; he didn’t want to get Anami killed like last time they went on their little adventures. Anami then spoke
“Can one person wield all four magiks?”
“I’m glad you brought that question up Anami” the old man smiled “Only one person can wield each of the ancient types, which means you need to find 2 other people to help you on your adventure”
“You can’t come with us?”
“I’m afraid I can’t, you see I am far too old to go onto this adventure. The best I can do is stay here and pray for your safety”
“Ok then, can you tell us where we can find the first altar?”
“Yes, I can do that the first altar which is smoke is located towards the burning plains. Be careful because there’s a lot of smoke coming out of the ground from vents, so wear a facemask if you going there. Next is shadow which is inside the temple of Zaros, make sure you need to wear the ring of charos which I can give to you. The next altar would be the altar of blood; you can find that inside the cavern of Mort’ton, watch for the vampires in that cave for your vitality will be drained if they bite you. And finally the Ice altar located in the Cave of Kamil, you need spiked boots due to the slippery paths I have 2 pairs of spiked boots I can also give to you. Well here is the ring of charos guard it with your life if it falls into the wrong hands I can be devastating. And I got spiked boots for only 2 people, and I see that you already have the facemasks so you should be set” As they got up they noticed something about the pendant around his neck.
“Excuse me sir, but where did you get that pendant?”
“Um what pendant?” and he quickly shoved it down his shirt. Tamari and Anami shrugged and said good-bye and thank you for his help. As they headed towards the altar of smoke, the air held larger quantities of smoke.
“We should put our facemasks on now,” Anami gasped
“Agreed” and they both popped on their facemasks; all of a sudden the air was so much clearer than they breathed through. As they went deeper into the burning plains the heat around them got so hot it felt as if they were inside an active volcano ready to blow. Finally the found a cave leading underground, the air got very hot around them and they felt like they were ready to collapse of heatstroke. Finally they saw the ancient diamond of smoke held up on a pedestal. As Tamari reached out to touch it…
“Tamari! Wait!” Anami shouted, but too late he touched it suddenly a growling voice rang through the caves.
“You shall not steal my diamond!” They both looked around, and there was a man materializing out of smoke. And smoke spells were cast at them quickly and effectively.
“It’s Fareed, I’ll weaken while you attack use your water spells!” and they began to attack Fareed. Tamari got poisoned and so did Anami, which made them feel weaker not to mention all the damage it was doing.
“You will not escape alive!” and he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
“Grab the diamond Tamari!” and he rushed and grabbed it from the pedestal. Then Tamari’s mind began to infuse with the power of the Smoke spells. Suddenly all the stalactites from the ceiling fell brining him back to the real world then exit to the surface began cracking and falling apart.
“Quick! To the exit!” and the both made a big run until they finally got out and into the burning plains. Before them was the human form of Fareed.
“Thank you for releasing me from my spell”
“Spell?” Tamari asked
“I was bonded here against my will. The council of magic bonded my soul into the diamond which you now carry.”
“Would you like to join us?”
“If I may carry my diamond I will be more than happy to join you” Tamari reluctantly reached behind his back and grabbed the diamond from his backpack. “Thank you! As I promised I will aid you in your quest.” And they all headed towards the temple of Zaros, the closer all three of them got the creepier it got until all the shadows came alive and attacked them.
“Tamari, Fareed! Run to the temple! I’ll try and hold them back” with a nod back Tamari ran as fast as possible towards the temple with Fareed closing behind them. As they entered the temple, then saw Anami holding everyone back and they saw her point towards the temple entrance. They nodded back, and ran further inside the temple there they saw shades and ghosts coming out of the walls and attacking them at random, finally they broke into the inner chamber, in the center was the Diamond of Shadow.
“Lets get ready before we attack, I’ll use smoke spells?” Fareed asked
“Yeah it’s stronger than the average spells and I’ll use earth spells”
“Ok are you ready?”
“I sure am!”
“Then lets roll!” and Tamari slowly reached out and touched the Diamond of shadow but nothing happened, instead the shadows just got darker.
“Help!” came a cry from outside
“Anami!” they both looked at each other. Tamari grabbed the Diamond and ran just like the smoke cave the temple began to collapse. So they made a quick break for the exit this time there were no shades or ghosts though. As they made it out of the temple, there was Anami fighting the shadow minions just as they left her, but there was a new opponent. Damis the guardian of shadow was slowly approaching her with his staff ready in his hand.
“Attack, Damis!” she screamed. And they both began casting random spells at Damis until he fell. Then all the ghosts and shades disappeared and they ran down towards her.
“Are you ok?” Tamari asked
“Yeah I’m fine, if you didn’t get here in time I would be gone”
“Yeah well, I’m just glad that you’re not hurt”
“I guess” she shrugged “Did you get the Diamond of shadow?”
“Yup, its right here” he pulled out the Diamond of Shadow and gave it to her. When she touched it the power of the shadow spells seeped into her but she did not receive the full power of shadow yet. And so they set off together towards the cavern of Mort’ton where the received the Diamond of Blood from the guardian Dessous. Where he joined their team as well. But he received the full power of the blood spells, unlike Anami that got only half of the shadow spells. Halfway Damis appeared again with a much stronger force, and they brought him down again. Now Anami received the full power of the shadow spells. As they reached The Lair of Kamil and the location of the last diamond, they remembered that they only had 2 climbing boots. Fareed and Tamaki went along seeing how smoke would be very effective and Tamari’s fire spells. They slowly proceeded with caution and the center of the cave they found the Diamond of Ice just sitting on a frozen pedestal. They took it and Kamil appeared unleashing the full force of the ice spells on them but in the end they prevailed. Tamari took the ice diamond and the mystical control took hold of his mind and inserted the new spells into his memory. Then they headed back to Yanille, and there was the Wise Old Man setting Ancient spells on the city. They approached him, “Hello Wise Old Man, is the city in worse condition than we left?” The old man startled to see them returned,
“Hello Kids, I see you made some new friends did you retrieve the diamonds?”
“Yes we did!”
“May I see them please?”
“After we see what in your hands”
“So did you find out the truth during your adventure?”
“Truth?”
“I am Azzanadra! Some boy around your age dug up the box you dug up, and now you found it so I can finally destroy the people who destroyed me back in the ancient times. I had nothing to do with the plans for world anarchy. I never even saw that room before in my own house and the council didn’t know that our house was built on ruined foundation of rocks. And what did they do? They didn’t even listen to me, all they do is exile me and wipe my memories of the city away”
“Not if I can help it” And Tamari Ice Barraged him, the old man just stood there shocked.
“Maybe I should destroy you first then” Just then Dessous stepped in and Blood barraged him as well.
“I will destroy all of you for running my dream!” After that Anami Shadow barraged him therefore making him take heavy damage. Then Fareed struck the finishing blow with Smoke barrage. And after that all you could hear was the cry of Azzanadra, the cry like a fingernail going down a chalkboard, the cry of falling endlessly into the Abyss of souls.

Sounds good, but what if you have to share it and someone's like, bubut that's from Runescape!

Well, lucky 4 me teach dosen't know abouts RS yet =P.
Edit: And no one in my Eng class plays RS, and if they do highly doubt they've read the DT quest guide or done it. =D

Oh boy, I really hope you don't actually turn that in...

I agree, it's quite unoriginal

Its kinda already in lol =)

LOL! i do that all the time too

I'm interested in what grade you'll get from that. Please reply with what you got

Pray to god the teacher doesn't play rs.

I dunno, I'm speechless

We have a true rs addict here.....

hmm i think you like runescape a tad to much...

Well i got it back today =P. and the teacher gave me 85% percent

Lmfao, my friend in third grade did something just like this. He pretty much copied the story line in mortal combat deception and wrote it as a story.

Were there comments like " great storyline, good imagination" on it?

Most of it yeah, she wrote it was a really interesting idea for a story.

lol well it is, congrats on the 85

congrats

Not bad, but you do have quite a few grammatical errors, especially with punctuation. but i guess it's too late to tell you now

Far too late now Jerome You know with the old bump and all.

85% Is pretty good for a story that you didn't really need to think about the plot much Good job, free stories ftw

The beginning screams cliche.

is the boys name tamaki or tamari???

Hope your absolutely sure bout that...
People tend to hide that they play MMORPGs alot of the time..

im sorry this is old but rofl you better be glad you'r not in my school.

yea i know...

Wow!!!
THe beggining seems phat

i thought it was great