I got a poem due on Thursday for English, and I got bored today (Yes, I actually got bored enough to write a poem on the weekend ) so I wrote one. 4 Hours later I decided I was finished writing, I write slow. The poem was suppose to be 32 lines long, which mine isn't but the teacher said as long as it's a good poem it could be under 32 lines. Anyways, I'm not really into writing poems, so I thought I'd post it so you all could review it and help me so I get a good grade. I was wanting to do a pun for a title, but I haven't thought of anything yet, so I've just titled it 'Bottled up inside'

..and yes it's about a girl.



Bottled up inside of me,
Deep within my heart,
The agony I've hidden,
Feelings I've denied.
All these words I've kept inside,
I've been too scared to say.

Bottled up inside of me,
My thoughts of us,
All the ones I haven't shared,
I feel as I should say something,
To express to you how I feel.
But when I go to say the words,
My tounge twists into knots.

Bottled up inside of me,
Thoughts, feelings I can't let out.
So I'm stuck,
Writing down my thoughts,
Writing down this poem.

Bottled up inside of me,
My love to you.

its good for one of those freeform (thats what i think thier called) poems I know how u feel

Good job. If I was a teacher I would give it a B+. Hope the girl ends up feeling the same way for you

I feel as though,
I should say something,
To express to you how I feel

that one sounded wierd to me...

but then again i couldnt get the full feel of the poem due to me listening to all my hate by korn while reading it...

overall sounds like something i might have come up with..

you know try this method real fast...

for each line, the last word rhymes with the next lines last word...

so saying something like

my life, it is bitter
everything seems like a dogs litter
life is going insane like the afterlife of a sinner

ect...

try something like that, only use more easier words... if the teacher finds your poem not exactly profesional, tell her off by saying you used sjakespeares method... and tell her to read the last word of each line in order, and tlel her in some of shakespeares lines in romeo and juliet, this is how he had the last words go... they rhymed with the next ending word in the next line...

That's pretty good. Though what do I know? English is my worst subject..

EDIT: I was to give a grade? MK. 90%. A-.

QUOTE(sonic718 @ Apr 15 2007, 10:46 PM)

its good for one of those freeform (thats what i think thier called) poems I know how u feel

Thanks
It's called a Free Verse poem btw

QUOTE(Morril @ Apr 15 2007, 10:49 PM)

Good job. If I was a teacher I would give it a B+. Hope the girl ends up feeling the same way for you

Thanks
B+ is better then I thought.
Yeah, she feels the same

QUOTE(kol @ Apr 15 2007, 10:52 PM)

I feel as though,
I should say something,
To express to you how I feel

that one sounded wierd to me...

but then again i couldnt get the full feel of the poem due to me listening to all my hate by korn while reading it...

overall sounds like something i might have come up with..

you know try this method real fast...

for each line, the last word rhymes with the next lines last word...

so saying something like

my life, it is bitter
everything seems like a dogs litter
life is going insane like the afterlife of a sinner

ect...

try something like that, only use more easier words... if the teacher finds your poem not exactly profesional, tell her off by saying you used sjakespeares method... and tell her to read the last word of each line in order, and tlel her in some of shakespeares lines in romeo and juliet, this is how he had the last words go... they rhymed with the next ending word in the next line...

I fixed that part Thanks to bringing it up, or I probably never would have noticed that it sounded funny.
The poem didn't have to rhyme so I didn't bother trying to make it rhyme. Usually when people try to make things rhyme the poems don't flow as well as a Free Verse poem does, and thats what I like about poems their flow.

Very nice.

Edit: if it were me, I wouldn't have mentioned "this poem," but thats' a matter of personal preference.

roses are red
violets are blue
if i'm going to jail
you are to

oh my god
what the f---
how the hell did you
f up?

(its f not the other word...)

anyways, your welcome, i've typed up alot of poems for school, most of them seem to increase my statues as depressing red jacket goth...

oh well, your poem is still good

My english teacher told us we should consider every word and ask ourselves if it is truely needed or not. Only keep the necessary words to make the poem not cluttered.

Just an example:

Bottled up inside of me,
Deep within my heart,
The agony I've hidden,
Feelings I've denied.
All these words I've kept inside,
I've been too scared to say.



It's all preference though, so do whatever you feel is right. Besides that (like drummerboi pointed out) the only part that I would reconsider is:

So I'm stuck,
Writing down my thoughts,
Writing down this poem.


It's a good poem nonetheless.

Is nice.
I like how it flows. Good choice of words also.

i think u did a great job i would give you a b+ or a A-
that a good thing she feels the same way wink wink

Well I'm not sure what grade level your in, so I'm going to do my best to edit/comment on this as if it were an English Comp 2 college level poem. Before i start, it should be said that poems are easily my weakest area of writing. That said, I still consider myself capable.

Bottled up inside of me,
Deep within my heart,
The agony I've hidden,
Feelings I've denied.
All these words things I've kept inside,
Words I've been too scared to say. -- Possibly put "And" in front of words in this line - more cluttered but if its not there then it's up to the reader to assume that "and" is there - your preference.

Bottled up inside of me,
My thoughts of us,
All the ones I haven't shared,
I feel as I should say something,
To express to you how I feel.
But when I go try to say the words,
My tongue twists into knots. (You spelled tongue wrong, I corrected it here)

Bottled up inside of me,
Thoughts and feelings I can't let out.
So I'm stuck, This is too short for a line here, doesn't flow at all.
Writing down my thoughts,
Writing down this poem. -I don't really like these last lines - it might work if they were the last lines simply because its a way to end a poem, however you have another ending following. My English professor always harped about now having two endings to a poem like that.

Bottled up inside of me,
My love to you. This line is too short, revise it. Something like "The love i feel for you". Basically you want to end the poem on something that flows, going from a line with 6 syllables to one with 4 does not.

If this was my comp 2 class, it would prolly be around a high D or C; at the Sophomore or JR level of High school, I'd expect at least a B from it.